Love is one of the most profound emotions known to human beings. There are many kinds of love, but many people seek its expression in a romantic relationship with a compatible partner (or partners). For many, romantic relationships comprise one of the most meaningful aspects of life, providing a source of deep fulfillment. 

 

Failed relationships happen for many reasons, and the failure of a relationship is often a source of great psychological anguish. Most people have to work consciously to master the skills necessary to make relationships endure and flourish.

 

When is the right time to see a therapist?
I'm often asked when couples should consider therapy. It's common for one partner to be unhappy, feel disconnected or feel that their needs for intimacy aren't being met. Couples shouldn't wait until they're in crisis mode to come to therapy.
 

Couples should seek therapy long before they think they "need" to. Most experts believe that therapy can be an important part of your relationship. "Most issues within a couple start small and then grow in size when they don't get resolved. This is where therapy can help, by giving tools and techniques to improve conflict resolution," explained Kristie Overstreet, a licensed mental health counselor. "The majority of couples that I work with say that they should have started therapy years earlier."

"There are three sides to every story: his side, her side and the truth," psychotherapist Kimberly Resnick Anderson agreed. "An objective third party can be just the ticket when couples feel they can no longer communicate effectively." Rather than viewing therapy as the solution to a crisis, look at it as an integral aspect of a healthy life, suggested Ashley N. Grinonneau-Denton, marriage and family therapist. "Every couple should take preventive measures to maintain health in their relationship, just like going to the gym," she said. 

 

What happens during couple’s therapy?
Although every therapist is different, there are some commonalities. The first session typically involves the therapist getting to know you, discussing the areas of the relationship they hope to improve and setting goals. Some therapists assign “homework” for the couples to work on between sessions because let’s face it, most of the work is going to get done outside of your therapy session. At times, if deemed necessary, the therapist will have an individual session with each of you to gather relevant history to help with total understanding of you both as separate individuals to be able to get a complete picture of the relationship.

 

What problems can benefit from therapy?
Couples come to therapy for any number of reasons, but in my experience, in addition to infidelity, the greatest issues include sex, communication, money and major life changes such as getting married or starting a family. Couples therapy is also a good idea if one of you is coping with an issue that might be affecting your relationship (such as depression) or simply if you're feeling stuck and stagnant in your relationship.

Therapy can provide a safe space to talk about sensitive topics. Communication is a big concern for couples. Both parties need to feel heard, soothed, respected and cared for. We analyze old communication patterns and then replace them with feasible and more effective ones. 

 

You might also consider couples therapy to help support you at times of major life change and transition. "Getting married, becoming parents for the first time, moving, changing jobs, losing jobs, becoming empty-nesters, coping after extramarital affairs, recovering from addiction, caring for aging parents -- all of these transitions can destabilize a couple's equilibrium," Anderson said. "Therapy affords couples an opportunity to negotiate these transitions with as little disruption as possible and to explore and honor what a particular transition means to each partner."

 

And don't discount the value of couple’s therapy in helping you and your partner dig yourselves out of a rut. "Therapy allows couples to talk through their feelings and articulate how their relationship may not be meeting their expectations," said James C. Wadley, a licensed counselor. "More often than not, there is some common ground that may have enabled them to be in the relationship. 'Feeling stuck' can shift if both parties are willing to compromise in a way so that individual needs are met." 

What if one partner refuses to go?
 

This is a fairly common scenario in couples therapy. How you approach it can make a difference. "Talk with your partner extensively about why you're feeling you'd like to get into couples therapy," Moran said. "Don't just spring it on them and insist they go."
If they're still hesitant, remember that you can attend therapy on your own. This alone may have a beneficial effect.

 

"Instead of waiting for the other person who doesn't want to go to therapy to change, therapy can help strengthen your own self-improvement and personal growth," said Marissa Nelson, a marriage and family therapist. The hesitant partner may become impressed by these positive changes and decide to pursue therapy after all.

 

If you think your own experiences with therapy have piqued your partner's curiosity, let them know that can see the therapist individually as well. "Often, by letting them know a safety zone will be created, where their voice is heard and fault or blame isn't the goal, the hesitant partner might feel safe to come in," psychotherapist Constance DelGiudice explained.

 

How long should therapy last?
There's no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. It really depends on the couple and the issues they're working through. For some couples, a few sessions may be all they need to jump-start their relationship, while others may remain in therapy for years.
 

In general, it's a good idea to see a therapist together until you've met your goals and feel confident that you've gained the skills necessary to navigate the ups and downs of your relationship.

 

Citation: https://www.cnn.com/2017/07/26/health/couple-therapy-kerner/index.html

Your job is to create your own individual objectives for being in therapy. Like a good coach, my job is to help you reach them. My goal is to help you each make better adjustments and responses to each other without violating your core values or deeply held principles.

 

Goals and Objectives of Couples Therapy
The major aim of therapy is increasing your knowledge about yourself, your partner and the patterns of interaction between you. Therapy becomes effective as you apply new knowledge to break ineffective patterns and develop better ones.

 

The key tasks of couples therapy are increasing your clarity about:

• The kind of life you want to build together

• The kind of partner you aspire to be in order to build the kind of life and relationship you want to create

• Your individual blocks to becoming the kind of partner you aspire to be

• The skills and knowledge necessary to do the above tasks

 

Tradeoffs and Tough Choices
To create sustained improvement in your relationship you need:

• A vision of the life you want to build together and individually

• The appropriate attitudes and skills to work as a team

• The motivation to persist

• Time to review progress

 

To create the relationship you really desire, there will be some difficult tradeoffs and tough choices for each person.

 

The first trade off will be time. It simply takes time to create a relationship that flourishes: time to be together, time to be with family, time to play, coordinate, nurture, relax, hang out and plan. This time will encroach on some other valuable areas – your personal or professional time.

 

The second compromise is comfort. That means emotional comfort, like going out on a limb to try novel ways of thinking or doing things, listening and being curious instead of butting in, speaking up instead of becoming resentfully compliant or withdrawing. At the beginning, there will be emotional risk taking action, but you will never explore different worlds if you always keep sight of the shoreline. In addition, few people are emotionally comfortable being confronted with how they don't live their values or being confronted with the consequences of their actions.
 

The other comfort that will be challenged is energy comfort. It simply takes effort to sustain improvement over time – staying conscious of making a difference over time – remembering to be more respectful, more giving, more appreciative etc. It takes effort to remember and act.
The other effort is even more difficult for some people – that is improving their reaction to problems. For example, if one person is hypersensitive to criticism, and his/her partner is hypersensitive to feeling ignored, it will take effort to improve their sensitivity instead of hoping the partner will stop ignoring or criticizing.

 

In all these areas, there is generally a conflict between short-term gratification and the long-term goal of creating a satisfying relationship. The blunt reality is that, in an interdependent relationship, effort is required on the part of each person to make a sustained improvement– one person cannot do most of the work and still create an exceptional team.

 

Important Concepts for Couples Therapy and Relationships
The following ideas can help identify areas of focus in our work and/or stimulate discussion between you and your partner between meetings. If you periodically review this list, you will discover that your reflections and associations will change over time. So please revisit this list often, it will help you keep focus during our work.

 

Attitude is Key
When it comes to improving your relationship, your attitude toward change is more important that what action to take. What to do and how to do it can often be easily identified. The real challenge is why you don't do it. How to think differently about a problem is often more effective than just trying to figure out what action to take. Your partner is quite limited in his/her ability to respond to you. You are quite limited in your ability to respond to your partner. Accepting that is a huge step into maturity. The definite possibility exists that you have some flawed assumptions about your partner's motives. And that he/she has some flawed assumptions about yours. The problem is, most of the time we don't want to believe those assumptions are flawed.

 

Focus on Changing Yourself Rather than Your Partner
Couples therapy works best if you have more goals for yourself than for your partner. I am at my best when I help you reach objectives you set for yourself. Problems occur when reality departs sharply from our expectations, hopes, desires and concerns. It's human nature to try and change one's partner instead of adjusting our expectations. This aspect of human nature is what keeps therapists in business. The hardest part of couples therapy is accepting you will need to improve your response to a problem (how you think about it, feel about it, or what to do about it). Very few people want to focus on improving their response. It's more common to build a strong case for why the other should do the improving. 

 

You can't change your partner. Your partner can't change you. You can influence each other, but that doesn't mean you can change each other. Becoming a more effective partner is the most efficient way to change a relationship. It's easy to be considerate and loving to your partner when the vistas are magnificent, the sun is shining and breezes are gentle. But when it gets bone chilling cold, you're hungry and tired, and your partner is whining and sniveling about how you got them into this mess, that's when you get tested. Your leadership and your character get tested. You can join the finger pointing or become how you aspire to become. Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it. Fear lets you know you're not prepared. If you view fear in that mode, it becomes a signal to prepare the best you can. You can learn a lot about yourself by understanding what annoys you and how you handle it. The more you believe your partner should be different, the less initiative you will take to change the patterns between you.

 

Zen Aspects of Couples Therapy (Some Contradictions)
All major goals have built in contradictions, for example, speak up or keep the peace.
All significant growth comes from disagreements, dissatisfaction with the current status, or a striving to make things better. Paradoxically, accepting that conflict produces growth and learning to manage inevitable disagreements is the key to more harmonious relationships.
It's not what you say. It's what they hear. Solutions, no matter how perfect, set the stage for new problems.

 

Tough Questions
Asking good questions – of yourself and your partner – helps you uncover causes beneath causes. 

• In a strong disagreement, do you really believe your partner is entitled to their opinion?

• Under duress, do you have the courage and tenacity to seek your partner's reality and the courage to express your reality when the stakes are high?

• Why is it important to let your partner know what you think, feel and are concerned about? (Because they really can't appreciate what they don't understand.)

• What is the price your partner will have to pay to improve their response to you? How much do you care about the price they will have to pay? (Everything has a price and we always pay it.)

• Can you legitimately expect your partner to treat you better than you treat him/her?

• Can you legitimately expect your partner to treat you better than you treat yourself?

• If you want your partner to change, do you think about what you can do to make it easier?

• When a problem shows up, it's natural to think “What should I do about it?”

• A much more productive question is, “How do aspire to be in this situation?”

 

The Importance of Communication
The three most important qualities for effective communication are respect, openness and persistence. Good communication is much more difficult than most people want to believe. Effective negotiation is even harder. A couple's vision emerges from a process of reflection and inquiry. It requires both people to speak from the heart about what really matters to each.
We are all responsible for how we express ourselves, no matter how others treat us.
Communication is the number one presenting problem in couples counseling.

 

Effective communication means you need to pay attention to:

• Managing unruly emotions, such as anger that is too intense

• How you are communicating – whining, blaming, being vague, etc.

• What you want from your partner during the discussion

• What the problem symbolizes to you

• The outcome you want from the discussion

• Your partner's major concerns

• How you can help your partner become more responsive to you

• The beliefs and attitudes you have about the problem.

No wonder good communication is so hard.

 

Some Final Thoughts.

• You can't create a flourishing relationship by only fixing what's wrong. But it's a start. Grace under pressure does not spring full-grown even with the best of intentions – practice, practice and more practice. Practice the right things and you will get there. 

• Love is destroyed when self-interest dominates. 

• If you don't know what you feel in important areas of your relationship, it is like playing high stakes poker when you see only half your cards. 

• You will make a lot of dumb plays. 

• The possibility exists that we choose partners we need but don't necessarily want. 

• To get to the bottom of a problem often means you first accept how complex it is. 

• Trust is the foundational building block of a flourishing relationship.

• You create trust by doing what you say you will do.

• It's impossible to be in a highly inter-dependent relationship without ever being judgmental or being judged.

• If you strive to always feel emotionally safe in your relationship and get it, you will pay the price by becoming dull.

• If neither of you ever rocks the boat, you will end up with a dull relationship

• Knowledge is not power. Only knowledge that is applied is power.

 

Most of the ineffective things we do in relationships fall into just a few categories:

• Blame or attempt to dominate

• Disengage/withdraw

• Resentful compliance

• Whine

• Denial or confusion

 

These are the normal emotional reactions to feeling a threat or high stress. Improving your relationship means better management of these reactions. Everything you do works for some part of you, even if other parts of you don't like it. Everything you do that takes a sustained effort is governed by three motivations:

• Avoid pain or discomfort

• The benefits involved

• Be a better person

 

It's also true for your partner. If you are asking your partner to change something, sometimes it's a good idea to ask if the change is consistent with how they aspire to be in that situation.
Businesses and marriages fail for the same three reasons. A failure to:

• Learn from the past

• Adapt to changing conditions

• Predict probable future problems and take action

 

Effective change requires insight plus action. Action without insight is thoughtless. Insight without action is passivity. 

 

Citation: The Couples Institute, authors, Pete and Ellyn; https://www.couplesinstitute.com/how-to-get-the-most-from-couples-therapy-tx/